Kolkata

Sabita (18) and Brihaspati (17) still go to school. In their free time they help out in a household in the West Bengal village of Karanjali (two and a half hours from Kolkata). One day they will marry, and it is almost certain their marriages will be arranged.

“That’s still more the rule than an exception here in the countryside,” Basav Bhattacharya (a journalist who now works as a PR consultant and demonstrates great social commitment to rural people) tells me, while the two young women in the kitchen clean vegetables for the meal. “Often the young people don’t even know one another before they find out who they will marry.”

Usually, here in the northeast of India young men marry at the age of 26, and girls as early as 18. Fortunately, since many of them now go to university, marriage is often delayed until somewhat later, though, especially for the young women.

Housework for men is still a major taboo

Basav and Ashish Ghosh, whose wife Gayatri is helping the two girls, want the parents of the girls to wait until they have at least finished school. That gives them more independence and they can still earn some money before marrying. Once they are married, they will only be able to do what most rural Bengal women do: take care of the household. For a man to cook or clean or lift a finger “is still a major taboo,” Basav whispers to me.

“These two will get married, I’m sure of that,” says Basav confidently. In most cases, the negotiations between the parents last about two months until they reach an agreement. The wedding takes place shortly thereafter. Out here in the country, a wedding is usually celebrated for three days.

The first day the celebration begins in the home of the bride. Then, her chosen one comes and fetches the woman who will accompany him for the rest of his life. On the second day, the “journey” from the old to the new home is celebrated. And on the third day, a big celebration commences in the home of the groom: the wife is presented to all of his relatives and the couple accept congratulations.

It has recently been introduced that the couple must register at the civil registry office. Yet, earlier the parents exchanged letters containing their names and those of the couple, which were valid as an obligatory marriage contract.

“Divorce” is theoretically possible in India, but seldom put into practice. “People here are flexible about accepting new situations,” Basav says. They simply stay together, even if they no longer love one another. “The economic pressure is simply too great to separate. Especially in the city.” If it should come to divorce, usually the wife loses out. “She has to ask for state assistance. The money the courts grant her isn’t enough to make ends meet,” Basav believes. Basically, her only resort is to work (if she can find a job) or to marry again (which is not that simple, either).

Therefore, an attempt at reconciliation is always made in court. Failing that, there is no guilt placed (as in Germany). “If the couple doesn’t want it, they don’t want it,” says the 53-year old. “The divorces are due to the western influence,” sighs Ashish Ghosh. Basav nods, “Yes, that’s because of the new openness of society – with all of the good and the bad that come with it. We have to find the balance. That’s what life teaches us.”